LLD101

eB-Lies · Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 7:27 am Post subject: Best Pub and Blonde jokes

Im bored so i thought id start a thread about the best blonde and pub(bar) jokes you have heard , il start i guess
A magic mirror was brought to a circus , and it was said that this magic mirror possesed a power , if u lied into this mirror u disapeared!!
as they brought the mirror in everyone gathered around ,
the first person to face the mirror was this beautiful red head , she said into the mirror , i think im the most beautiful girl in the world! , and with that she disapeared!!
a second woman walked up to the mirror and said into it , i think im the smarted woman in the world , and with that disapeared ,
a third woman walked up to the mirror with long blonde hair and said , i think..and then disapeared.

Pub joke
A guy who played soccer for a national team walked into a club , all the girls came up to him , he then spots this beautiful girl , he walks up to her with a smile , she says "i know you! , your that soccer player!" , he replys "yup thats me , ive just finished my quater finals ..... wana see my semi?"

ubermoose · Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 7:58 am Post subject:

The godfather of ALL pub jokes:

A man walked into a bar... "OUCH".......................................................................................it was an iron bar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

blizz99 · Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 8:25 am Post subject:

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Crying or Very sad

Pub jokes:
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

fadextoxblackx · Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 8:34 am Post subject:

ATOMICMAN · Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 8:40 am Post subject:

Dao Jones · Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 12:38 pm Post subject:

A guy walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and orders six straight shots of tequila. The bartender pours them, and after watching in amazement as the man downs them all, asks "what's all the tequila for?"

"My first blowjob", the man replies.

The bartender smiles, "well then, friend, let me pour you another one on the house!"

The man shakes his head. "No thanks. If the first six didn't kill the taste, the seventh won't help."

And now a rapid succession of bad, but non-offensive pub jokes:

A sandwich walks into bar. The bartender says "hey! We don't serve food here."

A spark plug walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm. He sits down and says "I'll have a beer, and another one for the road."

[That pretty much tapped out my collection of "clean" pub jokes. All the rest are more like the first one.]

B[x] · Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 2:47 pm Post subject:

Dao Jones · Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 11:53 pm Post subject:

[The benefit of having worked five years in an office environment is that I have a huge collection of "office humor" that got circulated many times over.]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

eB-Lies · Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 11:58 pm Post subject:

blizz99 · Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 8:54 am Post subject:

ATOMICMAN · Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 10:50 am Post subject:

the_diggler · Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 12:05 pm Post subject:

One of my favorite jokes..

Three blondes walk into a bar, ask for a shot of tequila each, raise their glasses and shout "7 months!" before downing them. They ask for another 3 shots, shout "7 months!" and down them. The bartender, puzzled, asks them why they are shouting 7 months. One of the blondes replies "We just finished a puzzle. On the box it said 3-4 years and it only took us 7 months!!"

Very Happy

skulls · Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 4:54 pm Post subject:

blond driving down a country road spots another blond sitting in an old row boat in a pasture.. rowing away .. she slams on her brakes and jumps out of her car and shouts .. u dumb idiot !!! its blonds like you that cause people make fun of us .. if i could swim id come out there and kick your butt !!

Tridge · Posted: Sat Aug 06, 2005 1:24 am Post subject:

two leprechauns walk into a convent

they approach the head nun.

the first one asks "hey, yous got any sisters o my stature living here?"

"no." replied the bewildered nun.

the second leprechaun begins to giggle, and slaps the first leprechaun on the back.

the first leprechaun asks her, impatiently "well, do you know of any?"

"no, i don't believe i do." says the nun, becoming agitated with the now cackling second leprechaun, whom appears drunk from the night before.

the first one, sounding a bit off and desperate, stammers "any... in the whole f*cking church. in the world??!"
the second leprechaun, now dizzy from laughing so hard, vomits in the holy water. the nun storms over and grabs the both of them by the scruff of thier necks, and begins to hastily cart them out of the convent, yelling
"NO! THERE ARE NO NUNS LIKE THAT IN ALL OF GODS EARTH, NOW GET THE F*CK OUT, YOU C*NTS!"

and as she throws them to the street outside, the second leprechaun was heard to chirp "I TOLD you you f*cked a penguin last night, Sheamus!"